Yesterday I wore a black shirt and she, a black Kashmiri Shalwar-Kameez. The day I wore white, she did too.
Today the day when I decided to approach her, I wore a maroon shirt and she, a maroon kurta. What a coincidence and a sign, I thought to myself. But it was still hard for me to gather courage to tell her what I felt. I shared a few glances and a couple of 5-10 seconds long stares. I waited there for 5 minutes with a hard-pumping heart and butterflies in my stomach, shivering with anxiety. You know the Murphy’s law.
Somehow I decided that I am not going to suffer this anymore. I had to tell her. No “hi” or “where do you work?” and shit like that. I had to get it over with.
Eventually I went to her corner where she was sitting with a couple of girls from the dance class. I told her that I knew she was related to one of my acquaintances and would like to talk to her for a couple of minutes.
She said okay and we went to another corner.
Me (fumbling): See, I am a very shy person and it’s very hard for me to tell you this, okay? Please don’t get me wrong but I have been having a huge crush on you.
She (with a hesitant smile): Okay.
Me (fumbling even more and with heavy breathing): I have been looking at you and staring you for quite a long time. Please don’t feel bad if that was discomforting or annoying. Never meant to stalk you or anything. sorry if you felt that way.
She (with a subtle smile): Okay. No problem.
(It was the first time I got so close to her. I could literally count all her uneven yellowish front teeth. But still She looked the most beautiful woman to me.)
Me (mumbling): You can respond now?
Me: It’s time where you at least respond.
She (with a confused smile): Well, there is nothing from my side.
(And this felt like as if somebody has pulled the plug of your music player off the socket at the moment when your favorite part of your favorite song was playing.)
(But somehow I pulled myself together.)
Me: Okay then. You understand my situation, right? Please, can you at least keep this incidence as a secret?
Me: Okay. Thanks..
And I walked back to my corner. Checked my phone. There was a missed call from my sister. I made a call back and walked out of the class.
I felt a feeling of being relieved of a big burden and at the same time I felt a big vacuum inside my heart. It felt like I should just keep walking and walking faster all night. Finally I reached my apartment after buying some chakna on the way. Have got a bottle of whiskey for company. At least, she won’t turn me down. Hehehe.
Now, I have decided not to attend the classes anymore.
Well, it’s time for some retrospection. I know, I might have done things in the wrong way. But I learned how to tell someone if you loved them. It’s better to get turned down than regret not approaching someone. And if rejected, how to walk away gracefully.
I have had an exciting and memorable time for the last 30 days which I will relish or laugh at or drink to.
I know It will be hard for me to get over with this but eventually I will I am sure.
I am also feeling bad for her. She had the opportunity to share a chapter of life with an awesome person. Hard luck, girl!! However, good luck for your future.
I am gonna drink the shit out of this whiskey bottle. And there is awesome music to accompany me.
I will be fine.
At least I didn’t get slapped by you as you had warned me if I didn’t approach her today. And thanks a lot for bearing my foolishness.
Lots of love!!