Why I hate New Years

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Source: Google Images

 

Yes, I hate new years. I simply can’t stand the 31st Night parties and 1st Jan’s clichéd greetings.

Before you start thinking of me as a pessimist and depressed soul, let me share a few things about New years that lead to my hatred. Firstly, a new year is a reminder that you had yet again spent another 365 days of underachievement and failed resolutions. You feel another year older and you earn almost the same. You did not finish that course or that book or switched to the better job this year as well. On top of that, the last 3-4 days before New Year, everyone gets excited and keeps asking about your plans for the celebrations as if next year you are going to win 5 crore on KBC or going to find Sunny Leone in your bed next morning.  Arre Bhai, next year also, you are going to continue to be the same pathetic chap watching Rohit Shetty’s movies, listening to another album full of Arijit Singh songs, waiting for Achche Din, celebrating Sallu Bhai’s next birthday and voting Akhilesh Yadav to power. Seriously, is there any point of celebrating?

The next thing that irritates furthermore is those clichéd messages which are bombarded all over your inbox, Facebook wall and Whatsapp. The same “Happy New Year” shit is churned with different wallpapers, in different font sizes and formats, and shot to you in anticipation of similar crap from your side. And if you gather all you courage not to seem like an egoist and reply “same to you”, the vicious thread of “What’s up?”, “How did you celebrate?”,”Aur kya chal raha hai?” and other such questions starts which bore the fun out.

After all these messages and replies, you somehow try to maintain your equanimity and come to office next morning, only to find a shit-mine laid down for you.  Here, you have to answer those same questions all over again in person, and with a “smile” because of the obvious “official” reasons. Every phone call at office become even longer and mundane on the New Year day— because of the same “Happy new year, Sir”, “how was your new year party?” bullshit. And my friend, it irritates the shit out of you!

Let me tell you something about the New Year eve as well. On this evening, people like me— ambiverts inclined more towards introversion and working in some other city— normally have two options. One, to go to a New Year party and pretend to enjoy and tolerate the shit talked about by drunk people who you don’t like or don’t know. This is a dangerous option. You have to keep pretending and tolerating all the time. Further, you have to be stay awake till around 2’o clock in the night. Then deal with traffic cops who actually are celebrating a challan and bribe jackpot on the 31st night.

Since you have no leaves left, the next day, you have to attend office at 09.00 AM. You have a hangover next day, lack of sleep, and have to tolerate the things already explained above in office. And that too, on the first day of the New Year. You’re surely gonna be having a crappy year ahead, if judged by the starting, aren’t you?

I went through this experience last year and had a crappy first day of the year and many more days thereafter. So this time, I was a smart kid. I avoided the temptation of free passes and persuasion of so-called party-animals. I cooked at my apartment and spent the evening watching a musical movie.

Well, this was somewhat a better New Year eve. Hope days to come be similar.

P.S.: Happy New Year 2016!!! What’s up? Kya chal raha hai aaj kal?

<imagine a random new year wallpaper here>

An ode to thee, Human Stupidity

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe” – Einstein (source: various memes available on the internet)

When I first read this quote, I thought Einstein must have said it in a good humour while rolling his third joint of the day. But finally, I have realized that no matter whether he consumed hash or not, he really meant it. And there must have a lot of research, observation and experimentation undergone to reach such a conclusion.

In centuries to come, even if scientists might be able to define the limits of the universe, they will never succeed in demarcating the limits of human stupidity (a.k.a. Chutiapa) for sure.

To prove this Einstein Sahib’s point, in the context current happenings in India, let me give the following example to help you accept the statement (in case you don’t agree):

  1. Selfie-sm:

Portrait photography is a beautiful art and Selfie is an abuse to this art. Trust me; the simplest portrait taken by someone (sane and non-lunatic) will always look better than the fucking selfies. Just compare the following:

A Mona Lisa Selfie

A Mona Lisa Selfie

A Mona Lisa Portrait

A Mona Lisa Portrait

I understand that sometimes one has no one to click photos. But there is always an option— your smart-phone is smart enough to set a timer to click a shot. Or one can request a stranger to click photos. Even in the meanest places in India, hardly anybody denies taking a photo for you if you request him or her. However, one might take your phone and run away but that is a different case. Let’s think positive for now.

So why do people take selfies even when somebody else could click a photo for them?

The answer is: because of infinite human stupidity.

  1. The Anti Maggi Chutiyas:

 Recently, in various lab tests conducted by state authorities, Maggi Noodles were found to contain monosodium glutamate and hence it is being banned in many parts of the country.

Logical enough, isn’t it?

But I started getting signs of enormous human stupidity when I saw people started blaming celebrities who appeared in Maggi ads.  I am sure none of these morons will be able to explain how Amitabh Bachchan or Madhuri Dixit is supposed to know whether Maggi contains MSG.

A frustrated Mr. Bachchan

A frustrated Mr. Bachchan

On the other hand, there are a lot of issues in our country for which PILs can be filed and but no, these chutiyas are so concerned about the society that they have got time only to  file cases against celebs for some ads or for some movie-names which hurts their fucking religious sentiments.

If they take only a fraction of this much interest in real issues of our country, India will become a better place for sure.

But nothing beats the human stupidity, my friend.

  1. Idea Ads:

Take Idea Cellular Ads for example. The evolution of human stupidity can perfectly and easily be understood by the Ad campaigns of Idea Cellular. Every next ad campaign of theirs is shittier than its predecessor. Don’t believe me? Just look at the following:

2008:

Shit

Shit

2009:

Shittier

Shittier

2013:

An idea add wrongly portraying Indian Cops-- showing them as good guys.

An idea ad portraying Indian Cops in bad light– portraying them as good guys.

2014:

An irritating

An irritating “No ullu banawing” campaign

2015:

Then finally this crap.

Then finally this brain-torturing series of crap.

Inferring from the trend-line of these ads, the stupidity of Idea’s campaign managers can go infinite.

  1. Sal-moron Khan’s supporters:

Shitty movies are OK. Hunting the black buck is also OK. Even getting drunk and driving on the footpath where men were sleeping can be explained— ladko se galti ho jati ha, remember!

But how the hell can you support someone who is stupid enough to realize so late that he could blame his driver. I mean, the dumbest Indian rich man would have blamed his driver in the starting itself. But yo’ Bhai is so dumb that…..

Seriously, hey Bhai supports, how can you support someone so stupid, man?

Sometimes, it's hard which Khan of them is crappier.

Sometimes, it’s hard to decide which Khan out of both of them is crappier.

Image Courtesy: Google Images, of course!

About Doordarshan and those Movie Watchers

It starts with the time when electricity had yet not reached to my village. The time when the dogs in my village did yet not have poles to pee on. The time when I was around 9-10 years. And the time when it was the late 90s.

My village was is located in a rather backward area of eastern UP where the language commonly spoken is Bhojpuri– yes, the language to which the some cheapest-ish double meaning songs belong, at least many people think so. One of my favorite bloggers– Greatbong has rightly pointed out that 37.5% of Bhojpuri songs consist of the phrase “Choliya ke Hookwa”. Although, I don’t exactly know what research methodology he used, but the idea is somewhere close to the reality, it seems.

Coming back to the story, I belonged to the luckiest of the families in the area, who could afford solar panels and batteries– a distant substitute to electricity in those days. These batteries could serve their masters with power only enough for a maximum 3-4 light bulbs and a black-and-white television for 4-5 hours at max in the best sunny days. And whenever came rains and clouds, they would become as useful as buffalo-shit.

Nevertheless, Doordarshan and Sour Urja (Solar Power) batteries was a vital combination for us.  But the options to watch movies or anything on TV as such were limited because of Doordarshan being the only channel.

Whenever we had some battery power left after the boring news show and daily soaps, that day, Doordarshan would telecast the shittiest movies from their collection. And Whenever there was a good movie to be shown, the battery would die because that day had been rainy or because of some other similar reasons. But even then, it was not as irritating as the slow internet connection might prove to be nowadays in some situations.

In those days, we had to trade-off between daily soaps and movies. We had to sacrifice one for the another because of the limited power supply.

We used to eagerly wait for weekends. Because Doordarshan showed movies only on Fridays at 9.30 PM and on Sundays at 4.00 PM. Sundays were eagerly waited because people were not in a habit of waking up till late night in villages.

Most of the times, while we watched a good movie, the battery would die just during the climax scene, leaving me feel like having a premature ejaculation.

The movies shown on DD were mostly the old ones and many times repeated. For the new movies, the people used to go to the Varanasi city which was 70 Km from the village. But not everyone went to the city. And even if they went, they could either not afford it or would not watch them, as watching cinema in theaters was considered to be a vice idea in those days, specially if one was a student. Parents would beat their sons if they discovered they went to a cinema hall. And boys were proclaimed as Awara if they went to a theater and considered  guilty as if they had become pickpockets.

In my case, until I was 12, movie theaters were just a fantasy for me. The first time I saw a movie in theater was in 2003.

If people at my village felt like partying on some occasions or do something generous for the society. Guess what did they do? They would bring a TV set, VCD player, Some VCDs and a Generator on rent for 1-2 nights. And every one would be invited for the movie show in the evening after dinner.

They all would gather at the compound in the village. And everything– VCD Player, TV and generator would be connected and around 40-50 people would watch the movies– no matter how shitty they were, all the movies were liked. Many of the people, sitting at the far back, could not even hear the dialogues or see the characters’ face because of the distance but still they would watch the movies, just to get some mental satisfaction for themselves.

I was a small kid then and used to eagerly notice all the elders whenever I sat at the back. It was more interesting for me to observe them. I used to see them watch, enjoy and interpret and comment on the movies. And I remember to make the following observations and conclusions out of them.

For them, a good movie consisted of a Solid manly hairy hero, a Harami villain and some comedians. A movie without action was bullshit. And a romantic movie was pig shit for them. If someone by mistake brought a VCD of a romantic movie on rent, he was looked upon as if he was an eunuch.

90% of those movies were based on Dacoits. If the hero was a male Dacoit, it was mandatory that his sister will be raped by some Lala or Seth ji and to avenge her, he has to become Dacoit himself, than anyone else.

But what if the protagonist was a female? Then she herself would be raped by some Lala or Sethji and then she would become a Daku. And she would adopt name such as Ramkali, Hirabai, Sitabai or some other xyz-Bai.

ramgadh_ki_ramkali_1325161813b3800

All the movies of such kind had 80% similar stories. And that’s why I used to wonder why the people liked these movies so much. May be because of the rape scenes, I guess.

Those movie viewers could tolerate the hero’s sister or his wife getting raped. They could even tolerate the Maa-Baap of the hero getting murdered by the villain. But the one thing they could not tolerate was when the hero died in the film. If in a film, the hero dies in the climax, they would tag it as Bakwaas. How can a movie be good if they the hero himself dies in the end?

I wonder what would they say if they could ever watch and understand Game of Thrones.

Songs. All songs were forwarded if the movie was being played on a VCD Player. But If the songs came in between a movie on Doordarshan, people would utilize that time by going for a pee and come back for the movie again before the song ended.

But the one thing I liked about them was their clear sense of dichotomy of songs and story. They watched movies for some action and not for songs and romantic bullshit as it normally happens in Bollywood. 80% of the movies, they would watch were of either Mithun Chakraborty, Dharmendra or some big blossomed female Dacoit heroine/ character in it.

According to most of them, Shahrukh Khan, Aamir Khan and other chocolaty charming boys were crap of the heroes. But I also noticed them enjoying movies like Raja Hindustani, DDLJ etc. but confessing that these were really nice films were not considered manly and they felt shy admitting that. Only ladies would admit that these lads were good actors.

In 2002, for the well-being of the dogs, electric poles were brought and fixed in almost every lane of my village. And on a fortunate day, the electricity was finally supplied. People gradually started stealing Electricity and buying TV sets of their own.

Meanwhile, dogs also learned peeing on the electric poles. Achhe din aa gaye the tab.

Now almost every household in my village owns TV, VCD player and some better off ones own paid dish TV connections as well.

More than 10 yeas have passed but when I visit my village, I still find them having somewhat the same  taste for movies. Only the names of the movies and actors have changed.

The Guitar C*utiyapa

Why are most of us so obsessed with guitars?

Let me start this analysis with my own little story. I was born and brought up in a dehati area of UP where people don’t give a shit about rock music, where Manoj Tiwari is a superstar. In that part of the country, learning music is considered to be a bizarre thing and is left only to the Brass Band Party artists who play “Aaj Mere Yaar Ki Shadi Hai” in weddings. Hence, I could never ask my father that I wanted to join a Harmonium or Keyboard class because the idea seemed as awkward as being in love with a she-male.

However, back then also, the instrument which I fantasized of  playing was Guitar. But, to my disappointment, There were only Harmonium, Tabla and Dholak classes available in my area. So I had to give up. Thanks to god that I happened to learn it in my last college days, eventually.

So, what’s so special about that? Almost everyone wants to learn how to play guitar. If not learn, then at least, most people want an FB profile picture with a guitar.

That’s exactly what my point is. Why do, when it comes to learning a musical instrument, more than 74.81% of people want to learn only one instrument i.e. Guitar.

In search of the reasons and the truth behind our obsession with guitar, I did some retrospection, the findings are as follows:

  1. Guitars are cool: First things first. It might sound not-so-unusual but the fact is—guitar is a cool instrument. You can carry it anywhere. You can play it even while shitting. And most guitars don’t need amplifiers and that means no need of electric connection. And It is a sexy instrument with curves so it has got potential to attract frustrated single guys. And even a fool thinks he looks cool with a guitar.

   You can sing while playing a guitar which is a luxury not available with most other instruments.

  1. Anything is possible with a Guitar: If you are a guitarist. You can do loads of stylish stuff while playing a guitar and make the chicks go crazy. These stylish things may include making face:
    1. As if you are suffering from constipation

      A guitarist suffering from conspitation.

      A guitarist with  suffering-from-constipation expression.

    2. As if you are urinating on the top of a mountain. Relaxed.

      A guitarist with peeing-on- a- hill-top- expression.

      A guitarist with peeing-on- a- hill-top- expression.

    3. As if you had an electric shock.

      Steve Vai with electric shock expression.

      Steve Vai with electric shock expression.

    4. As if you just shat in your pants.

      Eric Clapton's oops-I-shat -in-my-pants expression.

      Eric Clapton’s oops-I-shat -in-my-pants expression.

    5. Etc.
      Hendrix playing with his tongue.

      Hendrix playing with his tongue.

      The Jimi Hendrix Experience in concert at Olympia, London, Britain

      Hendrix in style

      Van Helen with ants-in -the-underwear expression.

      Van Helen with ants-in -my-pants expression.

Considering the above cool stylish acts, as per my estimates, someday, guitar-playing will evolve so much that Guitarists will literally be able to put the guitars into their own asses while playing and  produce a new kind of sound out of it.

Dude! You cannot do these many things with any other instruments.

Being a below-average guitarist myself in a semi-average band– as per music community’s standards, I could never had an ability for such a privilege because I used to get too nervous and find it hard to pluck the right strings.

But the reality is reality.

  1. Every ass can become a Rock-ass-tar: You can fake playing guitar on stage and include your name into stage performers. I bet. I have tried it many times on stage when I had forgotten the chords. Only some people could really realized it and their no. was quite small, thankfully.
  1. Just carry a guitar bag and you are a GuiTARDists: You can make yourself easily recognizable as a musician in a crowd even if you don’t know shit about guitar, just by carrying it. Thanks to its unique sexy curvy shape.
  1. Every Icon plays Guitar: It does not matter who your favorite actor is and who you think is crap, Guitar is played by more than 69% of the big actors who are icons. Amitabh to Salman. Himesh to Abhay Deol. Even Superstar Rajinikath does it.
Amitabh Bachcan playing Stairway to the Heaven.

Amitabh Bachchan playing Stairway to the Heaven.

M_Id_322961_Shah_Rukh

SRK played only one chord through the whole movie. Seriously!

Abhay-deol

Abhay Deol giving it a second thought.

Himesh going beyond Hendrix.

A guitar committing suicide in Himesh’s hands.

oojaanejaanapyarkiyatod

Salman Khan with a mujhe-bhi-bajana-ata-hai-Brainchor! kind of expression.

rajinikanth-robot-hindi-movie-2010-posters-wallpaper-02

A guitar feeling happy in Anna’s hands.

But the one thing— besides his great acting skills— for which I so much respect Tusshar Kapoor is that he  chose to screw drums and thankfully, spared guitars.

A rare picture of Tussar Kapoor screwing drums.

A rare picture of Tusshar Kapoor screwing drums.

  1. Being a Guitar Chutiya: And last but not at all, least; you can boost the no. of likes you get on your FB profile picture— just get a picture of yourself with a guitar in your hands.

Don’t believe me? Just go to your friends list on FB, you may easily find at least one Chutiya, with a profile picture with a guitar, who can’t even differentiate between  A# and B♭  but you might surely find loads of morons liking that picture

Although, my FB pictures with a guitar didn’t get much likes vis-à-vis my regular DPs. And I thank God for this— for saving me from being a Guitar Chutiya.

So if you are reading this post and wanted to learn how to play guitar, before you make it final, please consider other instruments as well, choose on the basis of the kind of sound you want to play in order to be a part of the whole art i.e. music.

One should consider music as an art not as a style statement. Don’t decide to learn to play guitar just because Ranbir Kapoor played it in Rockstar. Or just because Slash is so cool.

The Magic of Thinking Negative and Some Much-Needed Self-Help Books

Disclaimer: This post contains swear words in order to bring clarity of thoughts. Please do not proceed if you get offended. But if you do, you might find it interesting.

I was introduced to “Positive Thinking” when I was just the age when I should have been indulged in Superhero comics. Nevertheless, I got interested in knowing that there is connection of how people think and how it affects their lives.

I happened to read some self-help books– I now consider many of them as bullshit–  and they gave me an idea that the way I used to think was negative and I needed to change it to positive. And like a self-help addict, I started working on my thoughts and following those bizarre suggestions mentioned in these books.

I found it very difficult not to concentrate on negative thoughts or so-called glass-is-half-empty concept. And after a lot of attempt on checking my thoughts I finally gave up and accepted how I thought– negative or positive.

However, I have now realized that thinking negative is not that bad, rather it is a vital thing to have. For example, it’s better to negatively think before shitting that water might not be coming through your toilet tap than afterwards, trying to find a water or orange juice bottle, with a sticky ass and feeling same as the bearded guy in below image felt (only if you understand).

The guy in the middle feeling guilty after not thinking negative.

The guy in the middle feeling guilty of not thinking negative. (A scene from Delhi Belly)

Another example can be that of thinking negative and eating less before a long bus journey is better than thinking positive for eating full plate Biryani and having to stop the bus midway and shitting in a field by the road with a Bisleri bottle in your hand and having all the fellow passengers  waiting for you and cursing you.

I have found my reasons to believe that negative thinking can be a life-saver.

But let me again go back to the past. Back then, I used to try hard to think positive but rather ended up thinking negative. To do the same, I stopped reading my text books for the intermediate exams and concentrated on self-help books. To read how-to-succeed was so interesting that I didn’t care about actually following them in life. What an ass I was. And the result was passing my 12th exam somehow with 60.4%. Luckily, I got a decent university which required minimum 60%.

Thanks to God that I finally realized that books like “The Magic of Thinking Big” and “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” are not very useful in this world, practically. Rather we need books like “The magic of being an asshole” or “Seven Hundred Habits of Highly Asshol-ic People”.

The former books are not going to help because in certain situations you need to turn yourself into a real asshole to deal with m****f***rs that appear in your life to rape your mood in order to execute the God’s plans to make you stronger– which is really true.

So I would like to mention a list of few self-help topics which are much-needed to be written about:

  1. How to be an asshole when you are surrounded with more assholes? I think it is really important to be an asshole when you are surrounded with more of the same kind and they are trying to piss you off in every way possible. I don’t think there is a self-help book on this topic.
  1. How to piss somebody off when it becomes really important? Sometimes it becomes a responsibility to piss someone off and leave them irritated in order to maintain the balance of the world (Sansar ka Santulan).
  1. How not to be “kind”? Sometimes you are so kind and soft to people that they really take advantage of your softn-ass. So one has to learn how to be cruel. Otherwise sometimes, people in general take you for a fool and assholes in specific take you for a fuck.
  1. How not to give a damn? Sometimes, being very responsible and a hard-worker becomes like fucking your own ass roughly with a cactus. So it becomes very important not to give a fuck about the world and let it be on its own than putting you own ass on fire.

So in my opinion, thinking Glass-Half-Empty is better than having the glass full of liquefied crap.

Negative thinking is vital for life. But don’t overdo it because even masturbation is healthy only if done 3-4 times in a week not 3-4 times a day.

As far as self-help Books are concerned, “How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big” by Scott Adams is better than most others.