The Guitar C*utiyapa

Why are most of us so obsessed with guitars?

Let me start this analysis with my own little story. I was born and brought up in a dehati area of UP where people don’t give a shit about rock music, where Manoj Tiwari is a superstar. In that part of the country, learning music is considered to be a bizarre thing and is left only to the Brass Band Party artists who play “Aaj Mere Yaar Ki Shadi Hai” in weddings. Hence, I could never ask my father that I wanted to join a Harmonium or Keyboard class because the idea seemed as awkward as being in love with a she-male.

However, back then also, the instrument which I fantasized of  playing was Guitar. But, to my disappointment, There were only Harmonium, Tabla and Dholak classes available in my area. So I had to give up. Thanks to god that I happened to learn it in my last college days, eventually.

So, what’s so special about that? Almost everyone wants to learn how to play guitar. If not learn, then at least, most people want an FB profile picture with a guitar.

That’s exactly what my point is. Why do, when it comes to learning a musical instrument, more than 74.81% of people want to learn only one instrument i.e. Guitar.

In search of the reasons and the truth behind our obsession with guitar, I did some retrospection, the findings are as follows:

  1. Guitars are cool: First things first. It might sound not-so-unusual but the fact is—guitar is a cool instrument. You can carry it anywhere. You can play it even while shitting. And most guitars don’t need amplifiers and that means no need of electric connection. And It is a sexy instrument with curves so it has got potential to attract frustrated single guys. And even a fool thinks he looks cool with a guitar.

   You can sing while playing a guitar which is a luxury not available with most other instruments.

  1. Anything is possible with a Guitar: If you are a guitarist. You can do loads of stylish stuff while playing a guitar and make the chicks go crazy. These stylish things may include making face:
    1. As if you are suffering from constipation

      A guitarist suffering from conspitation.

      A guitarist with  suffering-from-constipation expression.

    2. As if you are urinating on the top of a mountain. Relaxed.

      A guitarist with peeing-on- a- hill-top- expression.

      A guitarist with peeing-on- a- hill-top- expression.

    3. As if you had an electric shock.

      Steve Vai with electric shock expression.

      Steve Vai with electric shock expression.

    4. As if you just shat in your pants.

      Eric Clapton's oops-I-shat -in-my-pants expression.

      Eric Clapton’s oops-I-shat -in-my-pants expression.

    5. Etc.
      Hendrix playing with his tongue.

      Hendrix playing with his tongue.

      The Jimi Hendrix Experience in concert at Olympia, London, Britain

      Hendrix in style

      Van Helen with ants-in -the-underwear expression.

      Van Helen with ants-in -my-pants expression.

Considering the above cool stylish acts, as per my estimates, someday, guitar-playing will evolve so much that Guitarists will literally be able to put the guitars into their own asses while playing and  produce a new kind of sound out of it.

Dude! You cannot do these many things with any other instruments.

Being a below-average guitarist myself in a semi-average band– as per music community’s standards, I could never had an ability for such a privilege because I used to get too nervous and find it hard to pluck the right strings.

But the reality is reality.

  1. Every ass can become a Rock-ass-tar: You can fake playing guitar on stage and include your name into stage performers. I bet. I have tried it many times on stage when I had forgotten the chords. Only some people could really realized it and their no. was quite small, thankfully.
  1. Just carry a guitar bag and you are a GuiTARDists: You can make yourself easily recognizable as a musician in a crowd even if you don’t know shit about guitar, just by carrying it. Thanks to its unique sexy curvy shape.
  1. Every Icon plays Guitar: It does not matter who your favorite actor is and who you think is crap, Guitar is played by more than 69% of the big actors who are icons. Amitabh to Salman. Himesh to Abhay Deol. Even Superstar Rajinikath does it.
Amitabh Bachcan playing Stairway to the Heaven.

Amitabh Bachchan playing Stairway to the Heaven.


SRK played only one chord through the whole movie. Seriously!


Abhay Deol giving it a second thought.

Himesh going beyond Hendrix.

A guitar committing suicide in Himesh’s hands.


Salman Khan with a mujhe-bhi-bajana-ata-hai-Brainchor! kind of expression.


A guitar feeling happy in Anna’s hands.

But the one thing— besides his great acting skills— for which I so much respect Tusshar Kapoor is that he  chose to screw drums and thankfully, spared guitars.

A rare picture of Tussar Kapoor screwing drums.

A rare picture of Tusshar Kapoor screwing drums.

  1. Being a Guitar Chutiya: And last but not at all, least; you can boost the no. of likes you get on your FB profile picture— just get a picture of yourself with a guitar in your hands.

Don’t believe me? Just go to your friends list on FB, you may easily find at least one Chutiya, with a profile picture with a guitar, who can’t even differentiate between  A# and B♭  but you might surely find loads of morons liking that picture

Although, my FB pictures with a guitar didn’t get much likes vis-à-vis my regular DPs. And I thank God for this— for saving me from being a Guitar Chutiya.

So if you are reading this post and wanted to learn how to play guitar, before you make it final, please consider other instruments as well, choose on the basis of the kind of sound you want to play in order to be a part of the whole art i.e. music.

One should consider music as an art not as a style statement. Don’t decide to learn to play guitar just because Ranbir Kapoor played it in Rockstar. Or just because Slash is so cool.


The Magic of Thinking Negative and Some Much-Needed Self-Help Books

Disclaimer: This post contains swear words in order to bring clarity of thoughts. Please do not proceed if you get offended. But if you do, you might find it interesting.

I was introduced to “Positive Thinking” when I was just the age when I should have been indulged in Superhero comics. Nevertheless, I got interested in knowing that there is connection of how people think and how it affects their lives.

I happened to read some self-help books– I now consider many of them as bullshit–  and they gave me an idea that the way I used to think was negative and I needed to change it to positive. And like a self-help addict, I started working on my thoughts and following those bizarre suggestions mentioned in these books.

I found it very difficult not to concentrate on negative thoughts or so-called glass-is-half-empty concept. And after a lot of attempt on checking my thoughts I finally gave up and accepted how I thought– negative or positive.

However, I have now realized that thinking negative is not that bad, rather it is a vital thing to have. For example, it’s better to negatively think before shitting that water might not be coming through your toilet tap than afterwards, trying to find a water or orange juice bottle, with a sticky ass and feeling same as the bearded guy in below image felt (only if you understand).

The guy in the middle feeling guilty after not thinking negative.

The guy in the middle feeling guilty of not thinking negative. (A scene from Delhi Belly)

Another example can be that of thinking negative and eating less before a long bus journey is better than thinking positive for eating full plate Biryani and having to stop the bus midway and shitting in a field by the road with a Bisleri bottle in your hand and having all the fellow passengers  waiting for you and cursing you.

I have found my reasons to believe that negative thinking can be a life-saver.

But let me again go back to the past. Back then, I used to try hard to think positive but rather ended up thinking negative. To do the same, I stopped reading my text books for the intermediate exams and concentrated on self-help books. To read how-to-succeed was so interesting that I didn’t care about actually following them in life. What an ass I was. And the result was passing my 12th exam somehow with 60.4%. Luckily, I got a decent university which required minimum 60%.

Thanks to God that I finally realized that books like “The Magic of Thinking Big” and “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” are not very useful in this world, practically. Rather we need books like “The magic of being an asshole” or “Seven Hundred Habits of Highly Asshol-ic People”.

The former books are not going to help because in certain situations you need to turn yourself into a real asshole to deal with m****f***rs that appear in your life to rape your mood in order to execute the God’s plans to make you stronger– which is really true.

So I would like to mention a list of few self-help topics which are much-needed to be written about:

  1. How to be an asshole when you are surrounded with more assholes? I think it is really important to be an asshole when you are surrounded with more of the same kind and they are trying to piss you off in every way possible. I don’t think there is a self-help book on this topic.
  1. How to piss somebody off when it becomes really important? Sometimes it becomes a responsibility to piss someone off and leave them irritated in order to maintain the balance of the world (Sansar ka Santulan).
  1. How not to be “kind”? Sometimes you are so kind and soft to people that they really take advantage of your softn-ass. So one has to learn how to be cruel. Otherwise sometimes, people in general take you for a fool and assholes in specific take you for a fuck.
  1. How not to give a damn? Sometimes, being very responsible and a hard-worker becomes like fucking your own ass roughly with a cactus. So it becomes very important not to give a fuck about the world and let it be on its own than putting you own ass on fire.

So in my opinion, thinking Glass-Half-Empty is better than having the glass full of liquefied crap.

Negative thinking is vital for life. But don’t overdo it because even masturbation is healthy only if done 3-4 times in a week not 3-4 times a day.

As far as self-help Books are concerned, “How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big” by Scott Adams is better than most others.

About Sachin Tendulkar, Paul Walker, Copying and Not-being-Myself

Sometimes, in order to find a direction to live your life into, you look for some people as role models and inspiration. Sometimes, you find those people and you just want to be like them. And you try to put all your efforts and all your energy for it. I know it may be called as trying-to-copying and not-being-yourself, but you enjoy trying being like them, although you don’t always succeed. But you enjoy your efforts and that time and you just go on doing it.

I don’t know how many times it happens to you, but it happened to me and I just want to share my story as a tribute to the two persons—Sachin Tendulkar and Paul Walker. Trying to follow them formed a major part of the person who I am.

Chronologically, first comes Sachin. If I see in a general sense—in view of newspapers, digital media, publicity and fame—Sachin is the most famous, most admired and has the largest fan following ever. But when it comes to my personal experience, ironically, all the people with whom I talked about Sachin, there were only around 5% of them who really admired Sachin. Others say that he played for himself and similar crap. That’s why I used to wonder how he rose to such a height.

In my childhood, all my friends either liked Saurabh Ganguly or somebody else like Sehwag, Yuvraj etc.who had more powerful shots or higher strike rates and who weren’t slow in their nervous nineties.

But I admired, loved and was devoted to Sachin. Sachin was Cricket and Cricket was Sachin for me.

It was largely because his career started even before I was born and he was at the peak of his career when I came of age to understand cricket. In those days i.e. 1997-98, I thought that test cricket was a kind of practice matches, played in order to prepare for the one-days which were the real cricket for me. Only later I realized that they are just different forms of a game and are complete in their own sense. What a fool I was!

But in totality it’s just feelings—no matter how they came into existence. And I loved Sachin. I supported him even if he was slow—some say it was selfish—in his nervous nineties. Even if his being slow cost a significant chance of loss, no matter what, I loved Sachin. I respect Rahul Dravid as well and admire him for his effort and feel bad that he got far less than what he deserved in terms of retirement ceremony and media and fan focus. But when it comes to Sachin, it’s a different level altogether. With many of the others, I could only sympathize while, with a few, I can empathize too. But with Sachin, I don’t have a word which means “beyond empathizing”. It’s like I have lived Sachin.

I could never imagine that Sachin would ever retire. When people over various media started–directly or indirectly– suggesting him to retire, I used to fear. I could never imagine Cricket or Indian Team without him.

But the day came and he retired. It was a test series which looked like West Indies was specially selected as a weak opponent so that Sachin could retire with glory. That’s what my analytical mind says. But my heart says, “Fuck you. It’s Sachin”. And that’s the answer to the all logical shits that comes in the way of Sachin.

I was in my office on the day he retired and could not watch his last innings. I later saw his last speech on YouTube and I cried that day. His last speech “My life, between 22 Yards for 24 years” still reverberates in my ears.


After his retirement, I couldn’t not follow cricket for months. Although I do follow it these days but the feeling is not the same. I keep missing him and Dravid. Virat, Dhawan and Dhoni are no Sachins and Dravids for me.

I wish his last test series were with South Africa or Australia. And I hope even if India had lost, Sachin would have struggled. I would have loved it. But again, my heart says to me—Fuck you.

So when I see this ad where Sachin says that this year’s IPL is going to be the toughest for him, I also feel the same way even if I did not follow IPL much in the past, but then it was a pleasure even just to know that Sachin still played.

Why I felt like following him and trying being like him—in terms of a person, off course—was his strength even after being a little and young man, his being tough even after opponents understating him in the beginning, his answering with bat even if he could answer with words, his being a gentleman even if he could have afforded to be even more aggressive than how Virat Kohli is nowadays, or simply he is just a darling in totality.


The other person was Paul Walker.

It was his characters played in the movie “The Fast and the Furious” which attracted me and I wanted to be like his character in the movie—not in terms of driving, fighting and spying, but in terms of being cool in pressure and handling the complex situations just like he does in the movie. I just wanted to be like him, in real life, in more real and easier situations unlike that of the movies’.

The character suited him so perfectly that it got stuck to me. It was the time, when most of the young guys used to have either dumb-looking small short hair with side partition, spikes or long weird hair for a haircut. For me, Paul’s simple and sober hair style was the smartest and the most stylish and I still try keeping it like his (although they don’t turn out to be). I also bought Converse shoes, red t-shirts and black jeans, just to adopt his style. I somehow got a t-shirt with Paul Walker’s photo printed on the chest and it became my favorite. Now, it’s 6 years old and I am still wearing it fondly.


Unfortunately, one morning, I came to know that he passed away. It was a shocking news for me. It was like one part of who I am has died and that space had become vacant. And I still feel that.

Unlike Sachin in the field of Cricket, Paul was less popular and lesser known– in my friend circle, at least. But I felt good about it for there was no one to criticize him. And this is because there are a very few people I met who recognize him as a big star.

Days after his death, his new film released– Hours. In Hours, he played one of the same characters—cool and good at handling situations with a different kind of charm. I liked the movie and loved his character.

Now, I find it hard for me to convince myself that I won’t be able to watch Paul’s new movies in future and there will be/is another actor whom the character of being cool like those of Paul’s will suit perfectly.

Just like, despite there being Varat Kohli, there will never be another Sachin, similarly, there won’t be another Paul.

Love you Sachin.

R.I.P. Paul.

Respect for Rahul Dravid—because I can’t help mentioning him!

As far as being myself is concerned, at this stage of my life, I have realized that trying to copy some cool and good things from a role model is also a part of being yourself.

P.S.: This was my first blog attempt. I hope it was intriguing.